Where Are We After Week 4? A Totally true, 100% Accurate CFB week 4 round up. My take on the State of College Football Before Week 5 – Satire

As we approach week 5, Kansas is 4-0. Is this the matrix? Is Lance Leipol Neo? At this point, anything is a possibility.

Vandy Lives Matter!

Ambulance services and health professionals in the Nashville area threaten to go on strike next year when Alabama comes to town if Clark Lea doesn’t get things sorted. After watching the 55-3 beat-down at the hands of the Tide, one Health Services Director said, “Nope. Just nope. Either we’ll be treating injuries from fans getting belligerently drunk or we’ll be resetting the bones of Vandebilt players. We just had to deal with the overflow from Knoxville. I never thought I’d remove a Jim Beam bottle from someone’s… well you get it”.

Dora the Hookie Explorer?

After losing to West Virginia at home, the Virginia Tech athletic department are considering no longer playing Enter Sandman when the team enters the field. Given the state of their team right now having only beaten Wofford and Boston College, the Dora the Explorer theme seems more fitting.

Bo’s Antidote

After struggling in the SEC as the Auburn QB, Bo Nix has taken to PAC12 defenses like a duck to water as the Oregon QB. Psychologists were stumped during Bo’s therapy sessions. The PTSD caused by playing Georgia for three years was some of the worst the doctors had ever seen. “Bo would just immediately break into a roll-out drill as soon as he saw anyone running towards him. Luckily it’s the South and people don’t run much on account of the heat and the obesity”. Then it dawned on the medical team; PAC 12 defenses. A masterstroke by the doctors as Bo threw for 428 yards. A casual three touchdowns and 1 interception against Washington State on Saturday.

Remember Bama?

The Texas Longhorns were declared ‘back’ after their close loss to Alabama. However, their loss to Texas Tech in OT last Saturday, left many questioning their newly afforded status. In the post game presser Sark said, “Before I sent them out there today I told them to remember what it felt like to lose narrowly at home to Alabama. I think they may have taken the message too literally”.

The 5 Yard Rush Draft Hype Bowl

In the ‘will-get-loads-of-draft-hype-but-probably-won’t-become-a-francise-NFL-quaterback’ bowl, Hendon Hooker led his Vols to a win over Anthony Richardson’s Gators. Speaking of hype, Tennessee are now 4-0 and only face LSU before they host Alabama. The Vols should be 5–0 going into the Bama match-up, which will make it all the more soul destroying when they lose by 20. If Heupel’s guys manage to beat Bama, the world will be a very insufferable place. A nationally relevant Tennessee program is not a world people with ears will want to live in. Pray this doesn’t happen.

Door Number Three

The third power five vacancy came open after Georgia Tech fired Geoff Collins following the Yellow Jackets’ loss to UCF. Candidates ranging from Deon Sanders to Lance Leipold are being touted for the position. Although, they are significantly over qualified to go 5-7 every year with a 35 point loss to Georgia.

Auburn Jesus Stops By

We all know about Auburn Jesus. The ‘Miracle on the Plains’, the ‘Kick Six’, Bo Nix somehow still having bones. Well, Auburn Jesus stopped by this weekend to gift the Tigers an OT fumble recovery to save their embarrassment. Harsin pulled AJ aside during his visit. They asked if he could work a little of that holy magic to save his job. Jesus promptly laughed in his face before replying, “Christ mate, I turned water into wine not water into Waterloo”.

Ranked number 8 you say?

Kentucky did their best to demonstrate that they shouldn’t be ranked 8th in the country with a narrow win over NIU. In the post-game press conference Mark Stoops was asked if he needs to get his players to act like they’ve been there before. To which he replied, “They have literally never been here before”. In response, the AP voters moved the Wildcats up to 7th, their highest ranking since 1977. Ole Miss this weekend by 30.

No BOB for Bama Fans

At a meeting of power five athletic directors the AD’s of Arizona State, Georgia Tech and Nebraska all echoed the same strange phenomenon since their head coaching positions opened up. They had all received at least 10 separate applications from Bill O’Brien, often with his name spelled wrong, and one was on a Wendy’s napkin. One another, under job history, ‘Bill’ had put “getting the Hewston Texans to the playoffs a few times”.

Dabo: Recreating the Disrespect Narrative

Clemson beat Wake Forest in double overtime last Saturday in Dabo’s most blatant attempt at recreating the Clemson disrespect narrative. Tired of the media and fans believing his team is a powerhouse, Dabo let Sam Hartman through for 6 TD’s on his defence. If Clemson makes the CFP, just wait for Dabo to bring out the, “…look we are just happy to be here. We almost lost to Wake earlier this year, did you see that?”

Hogs a Doink Away

A doinked field goal meant Jimbo’s Aggies escaped Jerry World with a win last Saturday. The ball hit the top of the goal post and dropped agonizingly short for the thousands of Arkansas fans in attendance. In what the Razorback’s athletic department swears is an unrelated incident, one of the AT&T goal posts was seen burning along the I30 out of Arlington.

Iowa & Rutgers Do Important Charity Work

The National Insomniac Society (NIS) held a week-long celebration in the run up to Iowa @ Rutgers last week in the excitement that they would definitely all get to sleep on the coming Saturday. Thousands of NIS members attended the game with pillows in hand.

Fans Turn to the Googles

Google reported a huge surge in traffic on the search term ‘Kansas State’ in the Norman area Saturday night after the Sooners fell to K-State. Among the most searched phrases were, “how do Kansas State keep beating Oklahoma?” “Is there a limit on how many times you can rush your QB?” and “when does Deuce Vaughn leave college?”

Canes Prepare Fans for Storm Ian

In anticipation of Storm Ian crashing into the South Florida coastline, Miami lost to Middle Tennessee State by 14 points so that fans would be primed in misery for when they watch their house blow away. Cristobal commented, “Look, we wanted to ensure the shock of having all your worldly possessions blown into the Gulf was mitigated somewhat by already being disappointed by our performance”.

-Jake Self @dynastybrit