We enter week four with Kansas, Rutgers and Duke all 3-0 in what can only be described as Mayan-level end-of-days type of stuff. It’s an accurate microcosm of the craziness that has befallen the college football landscape in the first few weeks of the 2022/23 season.
Points = Racism?
Iowa scored more than seven points for the first time this year. OC Brian Ferenz was glad he got to scrap his “why scoring more than two touchdowns a game is actually a sign of white supremacy” speech.
Auburn Playing the Reserves?
After a 41-12 drubbing at home to Penn State, Auburn HC Bryan Harsin commented that “…we know we have a better football team than what we showed tonight.” Might I suggest those are the players you start next Saturday against Mizzou? At least Harsin has lined himself up a gig if he gets fired. Actor Sean Penn recently said he would step aside for Harsin to play his character in a potential remake of (1995) Dead Man Walking. When asked why, Penn said he just couldn’t ignore the accuracy and legitimacy that Harsin playing the role would afford the film.
BYU Return Safely from the Hellscape that is Oregon
The Oregon Ducks bagged themselves a 41-20 win against BYU at home. The Vegas line jumped from Oregon -7 to Oregon -14 the moment the BYU team coach arrived in Eugene and drove past two guys holding hands. The line subsequently moved to -18 when that same couple entered a bar together. BYU fans were seen wearing space suits in the stadium during the game. When pressed for comment a fan said: “Look, we just don’t want to catch homosexuality, I mean Covid 19”.
Nick Saban & Queen Elizabeth: Ultimate GOATS
Alabama head coach Nick Saban left the ULM game slightly early on Saturday to catch his flight to the UK to attend Queen Elizabeth’s funeral. A spokesperson for the Royals said: “It only seemed right to ensure that at least one fellow GOAT was in attendance. Unfortunately, Michael Jordan had a poker game”.
Sharing Midnight Traditions: Miami and Texas A&M
Texas A&M returned to winning ways after beating Miami 17-9. The same fan we spoke to last week returned again for comment: “That’s more like it. Those folks in Miami are much easier to pay off than those annoyingly principled folk from Boone. They even have their own midnight traditions like we do… although I’ve never heard of the chant ‘sniffing lines and banging nines’”.
Spencer Rattler: Schadenfreude Personified
Word is Spencer Rattler is still, at this very moment, running for his life. Miraculously though, Georgia didn’t sack the Gamecock’s QB. However, Rattler’s decision to take the snap 15 yards back on every down did somewhat affect this stat. Many of you have watched Netflix’ QB1 where a young Spencer conducts himself in a way that many found cringe and embarrassing. Watching him go 13/25 for 118 yards and 2 INTs seemed like the perfect reward for Rattler’s high school career.
Nebraska: The Next Penn State?
Nebraska faced Oklahoma in its first game without head coach Scott Frost. It was tough to tell if the firing had any effect in 35 point beat-down, however. Weirdly there were many Nebraska fans walking around Lincoln on Saturday with southern accents talking up Bill O’Brien. One suspect looking fellow said: “I really think we need that proven guy who’s progress has peaked and tailed off at both of his last jobs. His play-calling that definitely doesn’t involve complicated checks at the line or slow route progression would be a great fit”.
Auburn & Penn State: Putting the Fans First
The joint safe space project between Texas fans and Auburn fans was finished this weekend, well ahead of schedule. One heavily involved fan told us that the facility will be opened by Christian Hackenberg and Bo Nix as a reminder to the fans of why they needed the space in the first place.
Dabo: King of the Disrespect Narrative
And finally, Dabo Swinney was seen sprinting onto the field for Clemson’s game at home to La Tech at lightning speed. An assistant coach was asked why Dabo had entered the field at such pace, to which he replied, “are you saying Dabo isn’t actually that fast? God dammit we are tired of the disrespect the rest of college football has for this humble agricultural university. We really are just happy to be here”. A recent student poll had “horny for disrespect” and “just happy to be here” narrowly missing out as official catchphrases to the winner: “we didn’t even have a massage room when Deshaun was here”. Dabo Swinney once said that teams who pass on Deshaun Watson would be like “passing on Michael Jordan” although in hindsight he probably meant Bill Cosby and got confused in the moment.